once again you don't realize how much has changed until you look back on it. I've lost three of the most important people in my life. I thought we'd always be friends ... or at least when they said they'd always be there I didn't know they meant when it was convenient for them. I guess it's true what they say ... then only person you can count on is yourself, although I hate to admit daddy was right that seems to be the fad lately.
I don't know ... I seem to be having trouble with this as of late. I don't want to believe that they're gone but as the days drag on and they aren't around it's becoming more and more real to me. I absolutely hate that. I was there for them when no one else was and when I needed just a little help they were nowhere to be found. I should be angry but all it seems to be doing is hurting me. I'm trying to be a strong person but I can't help it. I cry and bleed just like everyone else.
With my mom not being around it just makes everything ten times worse then it should be. Every time I talk to her this uncontrollable anger comes up inside of me and I can't stop myself from lashing out at her. When I ask her to hang out and she says yes I find some reason to get mad at her and cancel plans ... in the end the only person im hurting is myself but I can't stop it. All we do lately is fight. We almost never fought. I remember a time where I couldn't wait to come home and tell her about my day and I would ask her about hers ... now I can't even look at her without wanting to scream.
Yeah I miss her and but I don't want her to know how badly I'm hurting by all of this. I'm supposed to see her Sunday but we all know I'll probably find some way out of it. *sigh* I just wish things would go back to the way they used to be. Of course I really don't have anyone to talk to about it well because no one stuck around. Right when I needed them the most they were all consumed with Yugioh and petty fights with each other over some stupid boy.
I can't believe one boy fucked up a bond closer then sisters between three people. I can't believe I let some stupid boy pull a sheet over my eyes and use me like he did for so long. He pretended to be my friend but he just used me and when he didn't need me anymore he threw me away. I don't know how I feel about that. I got replaced by a 17 year old with a baby ... It just blows my mind. I mean in a way I'm greatful for all they DIDN'T give me because I met the most wonderful boy.
If it wasn't for him I'd still be in this awful slump I was in three months ago ... yeah I'm still down a lot but without him it could be a whole lot worse. I guess I could be greatful for the friends that did stick around ... even if I don't see them everyday like I wish I could.
Honestly I don't know what I'm trying to explain in this. I'm just going to stop before I give myself a headache.
I don't even know if it matters anymore but It's 1:54am and I'm still awake just sitting here crying. I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining or anything because according to some people that's all I do. All I do is look for attention in everything I do.
I don't just look for attention. People that say that are people that normally know nothing about me. If you knew anything about me you would know that I would rather cry alone then have a room full of people look at me. You would know that I put my own problems on the back burner and help others before I even help myself. So you know nothing about me and you know who you are.
I know something in my head just clicked. Okay so most of you people don't know who Kaleb is but he's this guy I met that I started talking to and became friends with. Well somewhere along that line I started liking him. A lot. But the thing about that is I can't stop thinking about Angel. I went to lay down just know and realized that I never really got over angel I was just trying to replace him.
I can't do that. I love him... I hardcore head over heels love him. I can't stop thinking about him. Yesterday was his birthday and I wasn't even there. I felt like shit for that. I wanted to go see him but everyone and their mom wanted me and Lauren to do things for them and of course me being who I am decided to save the world and put what I wanted to do aside. Needless to say at almost 2 am I still haven't seen him and I'm still feeling like shit for it.
I don't know I'm just sick of everything. There's no point in even typing it all out because no one cares enough to listen. I've had to hear it all week that people are too busy to listen to me and I'm just taking up time because I'm being an attention whore. So thanks kid because of you I'm not afraid to talk. Look at you go ruining lives every time you turn a corner. Way to go.
Holy shit. Okay I know I've been MIA for a while but a lot of crap has been going on. Let me tell you something I've found out who my real friends are as of lately and boy oh boy I don't have a lot of them. People are quick to jump ship when things are going bad. I've come to realize my reasons for having trust issues now.
Apparenly I am a bad person. Now who all didn't already know this? Seems to me a lot of people are blind or something. Last time I checked I made it clear to people that if you hurt me then something bad happens to you. Probably not the best way to look at things but being nice in this world gets you no where.
Well since the last time I've updated I've stopped talking to Kevin...well both of them. I'm not sure if you all knew about the last one but ... I think that was a mistake. We had nothing in common really. I just had nothing to talk to him about. And the other Kevin... you know Kevin Jones well he's a royal douche bag. He decided to let his little girl friend run his life and not talk to me anymore.
He's pissed because when he asked me back out I turned him down... Now don't get me wrong I didn't do it to be mean I did it because I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. Well in the end I got fucked on that one. He got mad because I said no then decided to go out with some other girl. In turn I did the nicest thing I could think of to do at the time... and that was call her a rebound, he of course didn't take too kindly to that. He got her to harrass the fuck out of me then told me that if I ever spoke to either of them again the cops would be called. what kind of move is that?
A pussy one...
Yeah I was pretty pissed. Just thinking about it still makes me pretty mad. I've gotten over the shock of it but it wasn't worth losing my best friend over. He's a douche now from what I hear though so I'm not missing much. I hope he regrets all of it and when he comes crawling back I'm just going to laugh in his face ... probably spit on him a little you know teach him a lesson or something like that. I probably wont be friends with him again now. It's not worth it. He kinda treated me like shit for the longest time. It's not worth all the pain going through it again.
Erhm... let me see what else has been going on.
Well I was dating this one guy named Daniel turns out he's probably a little crazy. It was like he was two different people. He kinda freaked me out so I left him ... well I lie thats not the only reason I left. Jackie asked him for $200 and he said yes, not taking how I felt about the whole ordeal seriously. It wouldn't have bothered me if I was planning on moving in with him so tech when he asked me to move in his money became my money and we simply just didn't have it to give away so I bounced. I didn't want to deal with it.
Yeah yeah yeah running away from my problems again. what's knew? I mean seriously. This is me we're talking about.
Okay... moving on to something more recent. Hm... ANGEL.
I know that's what everyone was waiting on. The whole ordeal about the famous Angel. He's something kinda special I guess you could say. I'm confused as to how I feel though because tech ever since I met him my whole world has been turned upside down.
He's shown me a whole new way of living and going weeks without internet or a phone I've gotten kind of close to him. Close in a way I didn't know I could be with a person. True we've only known each other for a mere 3 months or so I feel like I've known him forever. He's become one of my best friends but I'm not sure how I feel about him... like my feelings are pretty deep. I just don't know if it's just friend wise or something deeper and I'm scared that I might hurt someone once I come to my conclusion.
He's been taking care of me while I've been sick. He sits with me and cuts up trying to make me laugh when I can't even talk. He turns my sad days into something truly amazing. He's something else I swear it. We were supposed to meet we both agree on that but we have yet to figure out why. I don't understand it myself to be completely honest. Like ever since I was little I knew I was supposed to meet someone like him but I wasn't sure why.
The very first night I met him I knew he would be something extra specail to me but I just didn't know how deeply I could care about him. I thought we would only speak once and that would be all but he just keeps showing up. I don't have the streathe to tear myself away from him. I've tried to leave him alone but I can't do it. We can have fun just by sitting there making funny faces at each other. I've never been able to do that with someone.
we're so much alike it's scary. I never knew I would find someone so much like me! I mean one of my is enough but sheezy...now there are two. It's kinda freaky. Like we've gotten so close I spend every day with him. He doesn't seem to mind either. We always have fun together it never fails. I just don't know what it means. I'm confused and don't know what to make of the situation. I just don't want to hurt anyone but I don't think I can leave him alone...
Honestly I don't think I'm supposed to leave him alone. I think this is something that could turn out to be amazing if someone would just let it. I don't know I'm kinda confused. I should probably sleep on it. I'll update some more later.
[P.S. I'm ignoring all typos...so im not correcting this. I don't feel like re-reading it. So yeah.]
aggravated
confused
pissed off
adventurous