Current mood:
aggravated
I've lost three of the most important people in my life. I thought we'd always be friends ... or at least when they said they'd always be there I didn't know they meant when it was convenient for them. I guess it's true what they say ... then only person you can count on is yourself, although I hate to admit daddy was right that seems to be the fad lately.
I don't know ... I seem to be having trouble with this as of late. I don't want to believe that they're gone but as the days drag on and they aren't around it's becoming more and more real to me. I absolutely hate that. I was there for them when no one else was and when I needed just a little help they were nowhere to be found. I should be angry but all it seems to be doing is hurting me. I'm trying to be a strong person but I can't help it. I cry and bleed just like everyone else.
With my mom not being around it just makes everything ten times worse then it should be. Every time I talk to her this uncontrollable anger comes up inside of me and I can't stop myself from lashing out at her. When I ask her to hang out and she says yes I find some reason to get mad at her and cancel plans ... in the end the only person im hurting is myself but I can't stop it. All we do lately is fight. We almost never fought. I remember a time where I couldn't wait to come home and tell her about my day and I would ask her about hers ... now I can't even look at her without wanting to scream.
Yeah I miss her and but I don't want her to know how badly I'm hurting by all of this. I'm supposed to see her Sunday but we all know I'll probably find some way out of it. *sigh* I just wish things would go back to the way they used to be. Of course I really don't have anyone to talk to about it well because no one stuck around. Right when I needed them the most they were all consumed with Yugioh and petty fights with each other over some stupid boy.
I can't believe one boy fucked up a bond closer then sisters between three people. I can't believe I let some stupid boy pull a sheet over my eyes and use me like he did for so long. He pretended to be my friend but he just used me and when he didn't need me anymore he threw me away. I don't know how I feel about that. I got replaced by a 17 year old with a baby ... It just blows my mind. I mean in a way I'm greatful for all they DIDN'T give me because I met the most wonderful boy.
If it wasn't for him I'd still be in this awful slump I was in three months ago ... yeah I'm still down a lot but without him it could be a whole lot worse. I guess I could be greatful for the friends that did stick around ... even if I don't see them everyday like I wish I could.
Honestly I don't know what I'm trying to explain in this.
I'm just going to stop before I give myself a headache.